Eyes Wide Shut

In an effort to move from being a passenger in my life to a participant I moved house, changed jobs and tried to spend more time with family. I have always felt like I didn’t quite fit. Society tells me I am supposed to seek social interaction, start my own family and revel in company ….. But thats not me.

What have I learnt since I made these changes?

1: You take yourself with you when you move and all the same inner demons come along for the ride.

2: New jobs are still populated with individuals who behave in ways beyond my comprehension

3: Family, whilst loving you, refuse to discuss your struggle and just want you to fit in with their agenda.

So where does this leave me? I am so focused on what I should be doing I have lost sight of what I need to be doing for my own self care. These thoughts came about because I was running. Yes, yes I know thats a form of self care but bare with me.

I took up running when I moved just shy of 3 years ago. I was aware that a river runs through the town but I only enjoyed a small part of it as my route takes me along the road. That is until yesterday. I watched 2 runners ahead of me turn left at the rowing club, it peaked my curiosity but my inner voice said “You don’t know where they are going. It could be a dead end. Best stick to what you know!” And that was when I realised it. I have been walking around with my eyes shut, trying to fit the mould and ignoring the essence of who I am because of fear.

Fear. Noun 1: an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm. 

I could argue that the external factors in my life predicated this situation but ultimately, in that moment, I took full responsibility and the first step towards believing that I can step off of the normal path without coming to any harm. And guess what? I didn’t!

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